7 days

In the past 7 days my world had changed so much. 7 days ago from right now 8:19am I was a very happy girl. It was 2 days after my birthday. I had a great date with my hubby. Still found a way to have my cake and eat it too. I was cooking a big dinner for my little family... BBQ chicken, loaded baked potato salad, squash casserole, fresh corn on the cob, baked beans, and rolls. I remember the day well. I had cleaned and cooked and was very happy. I felt blessed. On my birthday 4/18 my husband and I went out for an early date. We planned on eating lunch together and doing some shopping. I had already promised my babies we would have pizza for dinner and cookie cake for dessert complete with candles they could help me blow out. My family had a string of bad luck it seemed at the end of 2011 and early 2012. We lost my uncle in December and my other grandfather in January. My uncle had a stroke and because it took the EMT 15 minutes to respond he was without oxygen for too long...and was declared brain dead. My other grandfather lost his battle with Alzheimer's. It had been a rough ending and a rough beginning to a new year. I remember on this date for my Bday walking around with my hubby and feeling uncomfortable. He kept asking me what was wrong... I told him something bad was coming. I don't know why I said that.. I just felt it. He laughed it off...laughed me off as just being anxious because I had left my kids for a little while that day. As a stay at home mom that's a rarity for me... We both remember the conversation quite well he says now its burned into his brain. I told him I was going to cry and my heart was going to break. He laughed it off even more and did his very best to distract me and give me a great Bday shopping trip..and he did. By Friday 4/20 I had forgot it. I am glad I did. I am glad I didn't sit around waiting for the other shoe to drop. I do wish that I had seen him between my birthday and that day. I would have seen him the weekend. I generally always did. I would take my kids out to the farm and would see him on and off through the weekend. I actually go to the farm a few times during the week too... I was just trying to get caught up with housework from where I had gotten lazy around time for my birthday. I don't know what to say.. other than everyday is a struggle. Since his death I go to his house everyday. I was the first one there after he died. I immediately started caring for the animals. Its just a little cabin he built in the middle of the property. Then he fenced it all in so his horses could run free through the whole thing. I sit in his chair on his porch and watch the horse eat the grain I have put out for him. Soon I will put a saddle on that horse and ride it just like he taught me but not yet. I sit in his chair at his table in the cabin and listen to the radio he constantly had playing...classic country and bluegrass. Music I relate to my youth because that is what he always listened to. I can close my eyes for a minute and think that he is just going to stomp up on the porch...and I will hear him yell out to me. The place smells like him. I have laid on his bed and rested my head on his pillow remember all the times when I was little laying my head on his chest or shoulder. Because the world was ok if he was there...and if it wasn't he would make it ok. I have gone to the graveyard almost as much as I have gone to his house. I have sat by his headstone on the ground and watched the sunset... I have set on the ground while the grass got cold and the dew set in. Just waiting.. I don't know what I am waiting for. I know he isn't going to come back to me now. I guess I am waiting for a sense of peace. The logical part of my brain tells me the man was 69 he would have been 70 years old exactly 5 months from the day he died. He said it all the time like a countdown. He said it just like this. "If I live to see my birthday in 5 months I will be 70" I also know that he said on more than one occasion he never wanted to "get down" like other people before he died. What he meant was he didn't want to be sick. He didn't want to be weak. He didn't act 69... he had more life in him than some 40 year olds I know. He lived life wide open. Enjoying ever minute of it. He loved to eat. Biscuits and gravy was a favorite of his. I cooked Christmas breakfast at my Mom's just this past year...and that is what I made. He was there. I gave him a Christmas basket. I stuffed it with homemade pumpkin bread...homemade caramels...peanut brittle...cake truffles...then some of the homemade jams and jellies I made. See he was there in my life everytime I turned around... till now. I took it for granted that he was going to be there. Now I am turning in circles trying to catch just one glimpse of him...knowing there is no glimmer of hope of it. I still feel like I am fake... I still feel like I am underwater and living in slow motion. I still feel like there is this giant hole in my heart that has only temporarily stopped bleeding and any minute now I am going to bleed out all over the floor. I won't though I won't shame him that way. He buried both parents, cousins, his wife, and two sons. He bore it all. I know that I will survive this. Because that is what he wanted. I also know that in all the times I needed support he was there to give it to me... he let me hide in the shelter of his arms... So I am sure he understands that I can't quite bounce back right now without his shoulder to lean on.

Surviving his death.

Right now I think I am in survival mode. Like I am shutting down most functions just to make it. I did something really stupid. I got the 911 calls. See he died in a freak accident on the farm. No one was around. He called 911 on his own. By the time we got to him they already had a tube in his throat and were loading him into the helicopter. That's the last time I seen him alive. Being transported from the back of the ambulance... because they moved him from a cluster of barns to the open field where the helicopter had landed. An EMT jumped out of the ambulance to basically walk/carry me to the field. I was already losing my shit. At that point he was just hurt...we didn't know what was to come that evening. I wanted to know what happened. Needed to know what happened. From what the Dr's told us he was crushed...We found one of the bulldozers running and pushed at full throttle against the barn. But it doesn't make sense. This man knew how to run every kind of equipment under the sun. He drove big rigs...tractors...hysters...box trucks...and bulldozers. For as long as I can remember that's what he did. So I got the calls. 16 of them to be exact. Where he disconnected alot and they called back. What I heard will haunt me for the rest of my life. It plays over and over and over again going thru my mind. I don't want to remember it... so Ive been watching this.

That's my son...who is now 3 years old. We had been on the farm all day and he was playfully telling him he had stinky feet... at 7 secs in he says I love ye... I have listened to that 1000 times. I listen to it every time that call starts playing in my head. I would give anything to have him back to hear I love you again in person. This video is all I have now to hear that.

Fake

Writing my thoughts makes me feel better because when they are trapped in me its like poison. Since no one is reading this I can say it here.

Ive got it together

to look at me you would have no clue I was losing it

I try not to cry in front of anyone

I cried yesterday at his coffin for a little while then I got it together. I held it together the rest of the evening till I got to his place

I sat in his chair on the porch and watched the horse eat...and cried till I puked

I walked around his house and touched his things and cried.

I can live on the outside...but I feel dead on the inside

knowing that I have to keep my shit together because of taking care of my kids... and knowing mom will need me is the only things keeping me together

I need him back

I need to know he is going to pull up on the farm when me and the kids are there

I need to know my kids can run to him hollering duck duck.

I need to know that he is going to say to me what you doing chat?

with a sparkle in his eye

I need to know that I can hug him again

every time I hugged him I was instantly little again and everything was ok

for that one second

it was all ok

I need a second of ok again

I haven't had a second of ok since Friday

I have lived breathed played with my kids

I feel like a shell though

If I smile its fake

if I laugh its fake

because inside I am dying inside I am in that coffin with him.

People keep telling me god has a plan. Ive said that to people myself. There is a plan. Right now it doesn't feel like a plan. It feels like bullshit. He wasn't burdened. He was happy. He was busy. He was healthy. He was a great man. So many people loved him. Last night I sat by his coffin for the whole evening I was there. I watched I don't know how many people come tell him goodbye. Everyone said what an awesome man he was. How he was always the life of the party. How he was always friendly knew everyone and had a smile. The world looks wrong to me now. Like the light isn't quite right. They were right. He was the life of the party. He is gone and it feels like the party is over. I don't know how to say it. How to convey how I feel. I feel kicked in the face. Stunned. Crushed. I sat on that porch in his chair and could have died with him. I literally feel like my heart splintered. I buried my face in his clothes inside to smell him. I walked around knowing that not very long ago he was there. I picked a receipt up off the floor that he had just been to walmart. I am living and breathing...but I feel like I am not really here. I am fake. Because my kids need me....Mom needs me...B needs me. I am here for them. That's it. I am just existing.

I actually have his dog and his horse... they are mine now...to love to cherish and to take care of....so every time I touch them I think of how his hand was right where mine was. Its still so early it breaks my heart. I sat on his porch last night and cried forever. I look at his house and see the nails and know that every nail was put there by his hand...he built it all from scratch. I see the world around me alot like he does.. because he helped raise me... I have alot of his traits. Some of them good some of them bad. But now I cherish all of them.

If I can make it through today...through the burial. If I can smile at everyone and say thank you for coming...If I can watch them put the man that I considered a father to me in the ground... If I can just get through today...and get away from everyone looking at me... I can fall apart and not have to pull my shit back together and put on a show.

My Grandpa died.

I cant describe how broken my heart is. I dont know how it still beats. I wake up crying and fall asleep crying. Sometimes I can keep myself busy and forget for a second. Forget that the person who loved me like a daughter is gone. Forget that the man that held my hand thru life till I thought I was big enough and strong enough to walk on my own...is not here to hold it again if I need him. Forget... that the man who smiled and loved my babies the way he loved me isnt here to love them.. They wont grow up with him they wont have the adventures only he can give. I have so many regrets from the past few years of not spending more time with him. God I wished I had it all to do over again. I wish I could wake up as a baby tomorrow in his arms. Id go thru cancer again...I dont care what it took just to have him back.

Absent

Although I am just starting blogging I thought I would say that I have not given up or quit already but we have had a death in the family and I will return in due time.

A girl walks into a Dr. office and she gets told she is fat....big shock.

You know where I told you in the first post how if  you cant say anything nice just shut up. Its really hard to tell a Dr that. Especially when you know they are coming from a good medical and health wise standpoint. I mean cant they just stop for a minute and celebrate the 46lbs you have already lost.. instead of saying you know I would really like to see you weigh 150. You know what doc... me too.. I don't know if I will ever hit that weight. I weighed 180 about 13 years ago and I remember that my knees were so bony it was uncomfortable to sleep. I had to put a pillow in between my knees...literally sometimes I would have sores on them from the knee caps rubbing together.  Its a kick in the teeth for a Doctor to tell you things like that. I like to look at small pictures. I will say again my next goal is 220. That's 36lbs away. I know I can do it I have been there before.. but knowing I am fresh on this journey makes it so hard to. I just want to make it... and to do that I have to have support so I guess I wont be going back to that Dr till I have hit my first mini goal and feel a whole lot better in my journey. Normally that kind of comment would have made me give up. I am not going to let it make me do that this time I am just going to keep trudging forward on my own. One day at a time one foot in front of the other because if I stop to listen to what he has to say I may fall off track... and that's the last thing I need. Tomorrow is my birthday... and yes there will be cake.. cookie cake to be exact so I know my cals will be higher than normal. My husband and I are also planning on heading out antiquing and you know that a good diet day needs to be planned ahead. I will make good choices they may not be perfect choices...but I will not let tomorrow be an excuse to go crazy.... So Happy Birthday to me... and I will catch you guys probably Thursday.

Weigh in.

This morning I stepped on the scale this is what she said.

Last week I weighed 261.4. So this week's loss is 7.4 lbs. That's a pretty good number. I know that alot of it is water weight and now the weight loss will slow down. The changes I made this week were I started journaling again. I kept track of every bite of food I had. I tried to stay within my range of 1200-1550. I drank more water. I tried to make sure I was more active. I have a gym membership that I think I will start putting into use again this coming week. I like to get my eating on track and then hit the gym. I find that when I try to do too much at one time I get overwhelmed and then don't do as well. Here is a little more of my back story. I weighed 300lbs in 2010. By Feb. 2011 I weighed 220lbs. Something just clicked with me. I dieted and I exercised my heart out. After Feb of last year I hit a plateau... one that lasted for 2 months. If I am honest with myself I didn't give it my all. I didn't try as hard as I should have to bust through it. I got lost in the numbers. The scale won.. Around April I started fighting with depression. Not because of the scale.. because I have depression. I have had all of my life. I generally can control it without meds. I like to try anyways. Exercise really helped me not have to take depression meds. I mean I know it sounds corny but I am so much happier when I work out. Now this discovery was new to me... because I found out I had never really worked out before 2010. I got a trainer for a few sessions. The world of exercise opened up to me. What I discovered is really all the times I had been exercising before I was half-assing it. That's a technical term...it's like where you only use half your ass..when you really should be using your whole ass. I mean if you love something you should not just do it with your whole heart but your whole ass too. So I started exercising for real... you know blood sweat tears. The kind of exercised that the next day your whole ass falls off because you used all of it to exercise. I found out that after a real work out.. I felt different.. not just a little but alot different. Like I could conquer the world. I stopped going to the gym as the depression worsened. Which absence from the gym does not make my heart grow fonder... not a long absence anyways. If I don't work out every few days...bad things happen. I forget the workout high... I also tend to slack off in intensity on my workouts.. which leads to workouts getting harder...which leads to half assing the workouts again...because I am not going to lie. It hurts to work out. It makes you tired. It leaves you sore.. Needless to say I gained weight again. I tried to diet but really couldn't find my motivation. You know when you're ready to change. It feels different in your heart. So if you try to change your lifestyle and get healthy before your heart is in it more than likely it is not going to work. I feel it again. That sense of I can do this. I can lose my weight I can get to goal. The only thing in this whole part that bothers me is how far I had came. Only to gain weight again. I had lost 80lbs... that accomplishment felt huge.. I honestly felt like I could do anything for a moment. I am disappointed in myself... however I know I can do it again. Not just half way but this time I can go all the way. I have now lost a total of 46lbs. My next mini goal is to get back down to 220lbs... to get back to having lost 80lbs.. I will put in the blood sweat and tears I know it will take...and my whole ass.

Working a little wicked into breakfast.

OK so I know two posts in one day.. Starting this ball rolling fast. Not really I wrote my hello post a couple of days ago.. I am just a procrastinator. See my hubby suggested this blog. He said you read all kinds of weight loss blogs. Start your own. Write your own story. See I have lost alot of weight...and gained alot of weight. So when I start dieting I have an inner dialogue constantly about finishing this journey seeing it thru to my goal. My husband has never told me I needed to lose weight. He has never told me I am fat. He has always told me that he thinks I am beautiful. However when I have a goal or a dream he is always right there cheering for me... His thoughts is that writing it down...and being able to look back at my journey will help. Sometimes when I am all in the fight, vision blurred by tears I can't see where I have been. I sometimes only feel the now. So like when I hit a plateau I can almost forget that I know how to lose weight.. That I can beat the scale.. because I get so lost and so tangled up in that number on the scale staying the same... it completely wipes the fighter right out me. I give in to the voices..the ones that say I will never lose weight. I will be fat the rest of my life. So if I write down where I have been. I will be able to look back and see..even though it feels like you are staying in the same place.. you are moving towards your goal. Right now my dream goal is 180. Some people probably still think that is big. It may be. Its been so many years since I seen that I honestly don't know what size I will be at that weight.. But you know what right now in my head that just seems like a good number. Because when you have been 300lbs that number looks amazing. Like my dream weight.. but I honestly think I will go more by size than I will what the scales says. Someday I swear I will no longer be a prisoner of the number on the scale. What the scale says will no longer matter. Till then that bitch and I have an appointment tomorrow. I have journaled everyday.. kept up with my cals. Every bite that has went in my mouth has been faithfully wrote down. So far my highest calorie day has been 1528. My lowest calorie day has been 1330. I have not denied myself. I have tried to work in my wicked little cravings here and there. I don't want to feel like I am dieting so much as just feel like I am eating and aware of what I am consuming. So this morning..I was feeling bad... like maybe it was a go to Panera Bread and get a bagel...or have an indulgent country breakfast.  My favorite bagel and cream cheese at Panera is the Cinnamon Crunch with the reduced fat honey nut cream cheese. That monster is 570 calories.

While that would have been lovely...and I will have one another day I am sure.  I knew that it would set the tone for the day. I would be a bad girl all day. Plus its all carbs and I know it wouldn't be very filling for very long. So I got in the kitchen and made a breakfast. Check mine out.

Top left is my replacement for the bagel. Its cinnamon raisin swirl bread and 1 1/2tsp of full fat honey nut cream cheese...for a total of 100 calories. I measured that cream cheese out.. and you know what a little goes a long way with stuff like that.. you want it to compliment and enhance your food not drown it. It has all the same flavor notes and really satisfies that craving for the bagel and cream cheese. Beside it is a hash brown oven baked with 1 tsp of ketchup for a total of 147 cals. Then the bacon... yep that's real bacon. Its center cut and oven baked super crisp today. There were 3 pieces to be honest so they were a total of 105 cals...but it kinda jumped in my mouth before I could take a picture.. Don't you just hate impatient bacon?  Then the egg.. it was fried in a non-stick skillet for 74 cals.
So now if you are keeping count that's 426 calories. More cals than I normally spend on breakfast but way better than giving in and going and getting a bagel. I'm still being wicked... but in moderation. I promise to try and be a good girl the rest of the day.. and I will post my weight loss info tomorrow. Crossing all things that can be crossed that I lose 3 or 4 lbs. The first week I usually lose a good sized number like that... then the rest of the weeks will be 1lb or so. Slow and steady makes it stay off... If I lose it fast and quick I need to gain it back fast and quick too.. Catch ya tomorrow.

Hello....hello....is this thing on?

 I am 30 almost 31 years old. I am a stay at home mom. I have two little monsters. A 3 year old and almost 2 year old. I am from the South. Georgia to be exact. I am a cook...  a damn good one or so my husband says. Really though cooking is my passion. I love to get in the kitchen and bake. Make elaborate from scratch meals. It's not work to me because I love it so much. Hours in the kitchen most of the time feel like moments. I am not saying I am a professional... I wish. I would probably go to culinary school in a minute. Being in love with the kitchen and cooking has became a downfall for me though. Because I don't just like to cook. I like to eat too...  Don't think because I say I love to cook from scratch that I don't make food from the box either. My husband is a very big fan of Hamburger Helper. I was raised on it. Not all southern women can cook...that's just a fairy story. I am looking at you Mom.  I am not saying she can't cook anything. Let's just say... what hasn't killed us has only made us stronger.  Yes she knows I say that...because it is a running joke. She has ate her own cooking. But to her credit in the past few years she really has improved and is now a good cook...as long as she doesn't try to invent something new.

  I have never been skinny. Smaller than I am now yes ... but skinny no. I remember always being the biggest person in the room. I also am the mom that doesn't have hardly any pictures of herself.. and to date no family pictures. So many years of being told "but you have such a pretty face". That's a real back assed way to tell someone they are fat.. So just don't.  Take a good dose of if you can't say anything nice... then shut the hell up. Seriously!  I would just like to say for all the fat girls out there... guess what we know what size we are... We don't need you to tell us. Everyone of us know the size of our ass. We are absolutely familiar with it. So please keep your  assessment to yourself... I don't need your input on it... I look in the mirror everyday... I know what I look like...  This is going to be my place to talk about my feelings on my journey from fat and unhappy to healthy and happy.  Because blogging is cheaper than therapy.  Plus I usually do some of my best thinking on paper.

I just weighed 4/7 and I tipped the scale at a lovely 261.4 lbs. Did you hear the sarcasm? No, well trust me there was sarcasm dripping in it. My next weigh in is 4/14. I like to do my weigh -ins on Saturday. Don't ask me why. It's probably Weight Watchers fault. I used to go to meetings on Saturday...and have a cheat day after. Oh the yo-yo damage that plan caused me. Not Weight Watchers that worked for me... The cheat days get me in trouble every time...  I generally eat between 1200-1550 calories. I never go below 1200 and I try to always stay below 1550. I like to set mini goals. My first mini goal is to get down to 220lbs. Which is what I was last year at this time... before I fell off the weight loss band wagon...and then the wagon backed up and ran over me again. It's taken me months of recovering from the concussion the wagon gave me to even find my way back on track..  I may post some of my food diaries.. I may not. I will probably post some recipes so I can remember them. I want to make it clear right now. I am not a nutritionist.. I am not a dietician. I am a mom of two very active boys... one hubby who likes to eat (and the ass doesn't gain an ounce). I love to cook... So I am going to try to find a way to bake my cake and eat it too....  I won't always be a good girl...  I have wicked tendencies what can I say.