Surviving his death.

Right now I think I am in survival mode. Like I am shutting down most functions just to make it. I did something really stupid. I got the 911 calls. See he died in a freak accident on the farm. No one was around. He called 911 on his own. By the time we got to him they already had a tube in his throat and were loading him into the helicopter. That's the last time I seen him alive. Being transported from the back of the ambulance... because they moved him from a cluster of barns to the open field where the helicopter had landed. An EMT jumped out of the ambulance to basically walk/carry me to the field. I was already losing my shit. At that point he was just hurt...we didn't know what was to come that evening. I wanted to know what happened. Needed to know what happened. From what the Dr's told us he was crushed...We found one of the bulldozers running and pushed at full throttle against the barn. But it doesn't make sense. This man knew how to run every kind of equipment under the sun. He drove big rigs...tractors...hysters...box trucks...and bulldozers. For as long as I can remember that's what he did. So I got the calls. 16 of them to be exact. Where he disconnected alot and they called back. What I heard will haunt me for the rest of my life. It plays over and over and over again going thru my mind. I don't want to remember it... so Ive been watching this.

That's my son...who is now 3 years old. We had been on the farm all day and he was playfully telling him he had stinky feet... at 7 secs in he says I love ye... I have listened to that 1000 times. I listen to it every time that call starts playing in my head. I would give anything to have him back to hear I love you again in person. This video is all I have now to hear that.