Friday, May 11, 2012

1st training session with a new trainer.

So I told you I booked that training session. I also went to that training session. Its with a trainer I had never used before. I had seen him at the gym I go to though...lots. Its hard not to notice the big buff guy who has everyone don't the hardcore death workout... yeah that's my man. That's the guy I am training with. My husband is my biggest cheerleader (cutest also). He was so supportive about me going. I dreaded it. I dreaded with everything that is in me. Because I knew how bad I would hurt when it was over...and for days after. I got 30 minutes of a session done and one of the daycare workers comes out. My son pooped...and being in a new place he didn't tell anyone. So running, jumping, playing and sliding worked that big ole pile right out of his pull up onto his shirt...and his shorts...and then the slide. Before the worker had come out I had done some arm machines and back machines which I was fine at... but then he took me to the mats and started his ass whooping on me... I planked for 30 seconds... then had to plank with one arm extended...then the other arm...then one leg then the other leg... Then he made me extend right arm left leg...and so on. Followed by pelvic arches and leg extensions. The worker came out right when we were starting lunges and squats. You don't even want to know how freaking relieved I was to get out of there... There are not words. I was red faced and sweating. My legs were jello... I was close to tears. I was so ashamed that the little bit of workout we had done had wiped me out. They gym was crowded. I had expected it to be empty. I am super self conscious... and the moves I was doing I knew what I looked like. I had been on the treadmill a hundred times and watched others perform those moves.. Everyone watches you when you work out with a trainer... its like a spectator sport. The trainer made a deal with me... To make up for the time I lost I have to go back in today...and work out for an hour and a half... I know its crazy. I know I am going to regret it. I also know if I stop now if I don't keep going I will quit and give up again. I will gain back even more weight. I am not going to lie I am so sore. My core is killing me. I can feel it with every move I make. I am terrified of what I will feel like in the coming days after this session. I am even more terrified of what I will fill like during this session. I don't know if I will make it. I don't know if I can do this. All I can do is try. So if there is anyone out there reading this today from 1 pm to 2:30pm...some prayers and positive thoughts sent my way would be so appreciated. Weigh in tomorrow. I have a feeling I gained. Because I was so off track...and even trying to get back in the swing of the gym this week my eating isn't on point like it should be...baby steps. I will get there. I hope I get there. I need to get there. I have to get there. I want to get there. More than anything right now I want to get there.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

1st time back at the gym

I went to the gym today. I decided that I would work out and make it hurt physically till my heart didn't hurt quite so bad.  I didn't eat before I went.. major mistake. Coupled with the fact that it has been honestly maybe a year since I have had a real workout. To get me back into the swing of things I have booked a session with a trainer tomorrow. I asked for the meanest one they have... because I love a workout that leaves me feeling like jello and out of breath. I cant just sit here in limbo. I cant just sit here not trying to accomplish my goals. I cried today... I cried alot...after I came home from the gym. I have to go though. I have to start I have to make myself live. I will fake it till I make it. Today I did a little elliptical about 3/4 of a mile big accomplishment because I hate the elliptical.. I much prefer the treadmill... and I did about 40 squats on the squat machine 2 reps of 20 on 100lbs resistance... then I hit a shoulder machine. At that point my sugar bottomed out. I did a set of 20 reps on it but I cant remember the weight.. So not much. I did however feel the burn...I broke a sweat because I kept going from one thing to another to keep my heart rate up. Speaking of heart rate... I am really thinking of getting a monitor because I would like to know how I am doing...have like a real record of it. I am going to make an effort to move the rest of the day. I am going to make an effort to track what I eat. I will be weighing in Saturday. I fully expect a gain from the previous weigh in. I am back...maybe not 100% but I will get there...

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

awake

Today I feel like I am awake. I feel like I am alive. I have got up and done laundry... I can't say the hole in my chest is closed... Its there gaping open... I can't say that it won't start bleeding again. I can say that for the first time I feel human... I feel awake, alive, and  thankful. I am going to get groceries today... I am going to look at flowers in the garden section.. and I plan on buying a few to plant in my bare flower bed. I plan on making some grilled chicken tacos. I may even put makeup on before I go... I am not completely fake anymore... I am by no means over it... over the loss of him... but today I smiled when I thought of him... instead of busting into tears... I love you Papaw. I miss you so much. Thank you for the sunshine in my heart today I know it was you.

The world lost the greatest cowboy that every walked the earth. But now I have the best angel with me everyday.

Friday, April 27, 2012

7 days

In the past 7 days my world had changed so much. 7 days ago from right now 8:19am I was a very happy girl. It was 2 days after my birthday. I had a great date with my hubby. Still found a way to have my cake and eat it too. I was cooking a big dinner for my little family... BBQ chicken, loaded baked potato salad, squash casserole, fresh corn on the cob, baked beans, and rolls. I remember the day well. I had cleaned and cooked and was very happy. I felt blessed. On my birthday 4/18 my husband and I went out for an early date. We planned on eating lunch together and doing some shopping. I had already promised my babies we would have pizza for dinner and cookie cake for dessert complete with candles they could help me blow out. My family had a string of bad luck it seemed at the end of 2011 and early 2012. We lost my uncle in December and my other grandfather in January. My uncle had a stroke and because it took the EMT 15 minutes to respond he was without oxygen for too long...and was declared brain dead. My other grandfather lost his battle with Alzheimer's. It had been a rough ending and a rough beginning to a new year. I remember on this date for my Bday walking around with my hubby and feeling uncomfortable. He kept asking me what was wrong... I told him something bad was coming. I don't know why I said that.. I just felt it. He laughed it off...laughed me off as just being anxious because I had left my kids for a little while that day. As a stay at home mom that's a rarity for me... We both remember the conversation quite well he says now its burned into his brain. I told him I was going to cry and my heart was going to break. He laughed it off even more and did his very best to distract me and give me a great Bday shopping trip..and he did. By Friday 4/20 I had forgot it. I am glad I did. I am glad I didn't sit around waiting for the other shoe to drop. I do wish that I had seen him between my birthday and that day. I would have seen him the weekend. I generally always did. I would take my kids out to the farm and would see him on and off through the weekend. I actually go to the farm a few times during the week too... I was just trying to get caught up with housework from where I had gotten lazy around time for my birthday. I don't know what to say.. other than everyday is a struggle. Since his death I go to his house everyday. I was the first one there after he died. I immediately started caring for the animals. Its just a little cabin he built in the middle of the property. Then he fenced it all in so his horses could run free through the whole thing. I sit in his chair on his porch and watch the horse eat the grain I have put out for him. Soon I will put a saddle on that horse and ride it just like he taught me but not yet. I sit in his chair at his table in the cabin and listen to the radio he constantly had playing...classic country and bluegrass. Music I relate to my youth because that is what he always listened to. I can close my eyes for a minute and think that he is just going to stomp up on the porch...and I will hear him yell out to me. The place smells like him. I have laid on his bed and rested my head on his pillow remember all the times when I was little laying my head on his chest or shoulder. Because the world was ok if he was there...and if it wasn't he would make it ok. I have gone to the graveyard almost as much as I have gone to his house. I have sat by his headstone on the ground and watched the sunset... I have set on the ground while the grass got cold and the dew set in. Just waiting.. I don't know what I am waiting for. I know he isn't going to come back to me now. I guess I am waiting for a sense of peace. The logical part of my brain tells me the man was 69 he would have been 70 years old exactly 5 months from the day he died. He said it all the time like a countdown. He said it just like this. "If I live to see my birthday in 5 months I will be 70" I also know that he said on more than one occasion he never wanted to "get down" like other people before he died. What he meant was he didn't want to be sick. He didn't want to be weak. He didn't act 69... he had more life in him than some 40 year olds I know. He lived life wide open. Enjoying ever minute of it. He loved to eat. Biscuits and gravy was a favorite of his. I cooked Christmas breakfast at my Mom's just this past year...and that is what I made. He was there. I gave him a Christmas basket. I stuffed it with homemade pumpkin bread...homemade caramels...peanut brittle...cake truffles...then some of the homemade jams and jellies I made. See he was there in my life everytime I turned around... till now. I took it for granted that he was going to be there. Now I am turning in circles trying to catch just one glimpse of him...knowing there is no glimmer of hope of it. I still feel like I am fake... I still feel like I am underwater and living in slow motion. I still feel like there is this giant hole in my heart that has only temporarily stopped bleeding and any minute now I am going to bleed out all over the floor. I won't though I won't shame him that way. He buried both parents, cousins, his wife, and two sons. He bore it all. I know that I will survive this. Because that is what he wanted. I also know that in all the times I needed support he was there to give it to me... he let me hide in the shelter of his arms... So I am sure he understands that I can't quite bounce back right now without his shoulder to lean on.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Surviving his death.

Right now I think I am in survival mode. Like I am shutting down most functions just to make it. I did something really stupid. I got the 911 calls. See he died in a freak accident on the farm. No one was around. He called 911 on his own. By the time we got to him they already had a tube in his throat and were loading him into the helicopter. That's the last time I seen him alive. Being transported from the back of the ambulance... because they moved him from a cluster of barns to the open field where the helicopter had landed. An EMT jumped out of the ambulance to basically walk/carry me to the field. I was already losing my shit. At that point he was just hurt...we didn't know what was to come that evening. I wanted to know what happened. Needed to know what happened. From what the Dr's told us he was crushed...We found one of the bulldozers running and pushed at full throttle against the barn. But it doesn't make sense. This man knew how to run every kind of equipment under the sun. He drove big rigs...tractors...hysters...box trucks...and bulldozers. For as long as I can remember that's what he did. So I got the calls. 16 of them to be exact. Where he disconnected alot and they called back. What I heard will haunt me for the rest of my life. It plays over and over and over again going thru my mind. I don't want to remember it... so Ive been watching this.
That's my son...who is now 3 years old. We had been on the farm all day and he was playfully telling him he had stinky feet... at 7 secs in he says I love ye... I have listened to that 1000 times. I listen to it every time that call starts playing in my head. I would give anything to have him back to hear I love you again in person. This video is all I have now to hear that.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Fake

Writing my thoughts makes me feel better because when they are trapped in me its like poison. Since no one is reading this I can say it here.

Ive got it together
to look at me you would have no clue I was losing it
I try not to cry in front of anyone
I cried yesterday at his coffin for a little while then I got it together. I held it together the rest of the evening till I got to his place
I sat in his chair on the porch and watched the horse eat...and cried till I puked
I walked around his house and touched his things and cried.
I can live on the outside...but I feel dead on the inside
knowing that I have to keep my shit together because of taking care of my kids... and knowing mom will need me is the only things keeping me together
I need him back
I need to know he is going to pull up on the farm when me and the kids are there
I need to know my kids can run to him hollering duck duck.
I need to know that he is going to say to me what you doing chat?
with a sparkle in his eye
I need to know that I can hug him again
every time I hugged him I was instantly little again and everything was ok
for that one second
it was all ok
I need a second of ok again
I haven't had a second of ok since Friday
I have lived breathed played with my kids
I feel like a shell though
If I smile its fake
if I laugh its fake
because inside I am dying inside I am in that coffin with him.
People keep telling me god has a plan. Ive said that to people myself. There is a plan. Right now it doesn't feel like a plan. It feels like bullshit. He wasn't burdened. He was happy. He was busy. He was healthy. He was a great man. So many people loved him. Last night I sat by his coffin for the whole evening I was there. I watched I don't know how many people come tell him goodbye. Everyone said what an awesome man he was. How he was always the life of the party. How he was always friendly knew everyone and had a smile. The world looks wrong to me now. Like the light isn't quite right. They were right. He was the life of the party. He is gone and it feels like the party is over. I don't know how to say it. How to convey how I feel. I feel kicked in the face. Stunned. Crushed. I sat on that porch in his chair and could have died with him. I literally feel like my heart splintered. I buried my face in his clothes inside to smell him. I walked around knowing that not very long ago he was there. I picked a receipt up off the floor that he had just been to walmart. I am living and breathing...but I feel like I am not really here. I am fake. Because my kids need me....Mom needs me...B needs me. I am here for them. That's it. I am just existing.
I actually have his dog and his horse... they are mine now...to love to cherish and to take care of....so every time I touch them I think of how his hand was right where mine was. Its still so early it breaks my heart. I sat on his porch last night and cried forever. I look at his house and see the nails and know that every nail was put there by his hand...he built it all from scratch. I see the world around me alot like he does.. because he helped raise me... I have alot of his traits. Some of them good some of them bad. But now I cherish all of them.
If I can make it through today...through the burial. If I can smile at everyone and say thank you for coming...If I can watch them put the man that I considered a father to me in the ground... If I can just get through today...and get away from everyone looking at me... I can fall apart and not have to pull my shit back together and put on a show.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

My Grandpa died.

I cant describe how broken my heart is. I dont know how it still beats. I wake up crying and fall asleep crying. Sometimes I can keep myself busy and forget for a second. Forget that the person who loved me like a daughter is gone. Forget that the man that held my hand thru life till I thought I was big enough and strong enough to walk on my own...is not here to hold it again if I need him. Forget... that the man who smiled and loved my babies the way he loved me isnt here to love them.. They wont grow up with him they wont have the adventures only he can give. I have so many regrets from the past few years of not spending more time with him. God I wished I had it all to do over again. I wish I could wake up as a baby tomorrow in his arms. Id go thru cancer again...I dont care what it took just to have him back.