Fake

Writing my thoughts makes me feel better because when they are trapped in me its like poison. Since no one is reading this I can say it here.

Ive got it together

to look at me you would have no clue I was losing it

I try not to cry in front of anyone

I cried yesterday at his coffin for a little while then I got it together. I held it together the rest of the evening till I got to his place

I sat in his chair on the porch and watched the horse eat...and cried till I puked

I walked around his house and touched his things and cried.

I can live on the outside...but I feel dead on the inside

knowing that I have to keep my shit together because of taking care of my kids... and knowing mom will need me is the only things keeping me together

I need him back

I need to know he is going to pull up on the farm when me and the kids are there

I need to know my kids can run to him hollering duck duck.

I need to know that he is going to say to me what you doing chat?

with a sparkle in his eye

I need to know that I can hug him again

every time I hugged him I was instantly little again and everything was ok

for that one second

it was all ok

I need a second of ok again

I haven't had a second of ok since Friday

I have lived breathed played with my kids

I feel like a shell though

If I smile its fake

if I laugh its fake

because inside I am dying inside I am in that coffin with him.

People keep telling me god has a plan. Ive said that to people myself. There is a plan. Right now it doesn't feel like a plan. It feels like bullshit. He wasn't burdened. He was happy. He was busy. He was healthy. He was a great man. So many people loved him. Last night I sat by his coffin for the whole evening I was there. I watched I don't know how many people come tell him goodbye. Everyone said what an awesome man he was. How he was always the life of the party. How he was always friendly knew everyone and had a smile. The world looks wrong to me now. Like the light isn't quite right. They were right. He was the life of the party. He is gone and it feels like the party is over. I don't know how to say it. How to convey how I feel. I feel kicked in the face. Stunned. Crushed. I sat on that porch in his chair and could have died with him. I literally feel like my heart splintered. I buried my face in his clothes inside to smell him. I walked around knowing that not very long ago he was there. I picked a receipt up off the floor that he had just been to walmart. I am living and breathing...but I feel like I am not really here. I am fake. Because my kids need me....Mom needs me...B needs me. I am here for them. That's it. I am just existing.

I actually have his dog and his horse... they are mine now...to love to cherish and to take care of....so every time I touch them I think of how his hand was right where mine was. Its still so early it breaks my heart. I sat on his porch last night and cried forever. I look at his house and see the nails and know that every nail was put there by his hand...he built it all from scratch. I see the world around me alot like he does.. because he helped raise me... I have alot of his traits. Some of them good some of them bad. But now I cherish all of them.

If I can make it through today...through the burial. If I can smile at everyone and say thank you for coming...If I can watch them put the man that I considered a father to me in the ground... If I can just get through today...and get away from everyone looking at me... I can fall apart and not have to pull my shit back together and put on a show.