1st training session with a new trainer.

So I told you I booked that training session. I also went to that training session. Its with a trainer I had never used before. I had seen him at the gym I go to though...lots. Its hard not to notice the big buff guy who has everyone don't the hardcore death workout... yeah that's my man. That's the guy I am training with. My husband is my biggest cheerleader (cutest also). He was so supportive about me going. I dreaded it. I dreaded with everything that is in me. Because I knew how bad I would hurt when it was over...and for days after. I got 30 minutes of a session done and one of the daycare workers comes out. My son pooped...and being in a new place he didn't tell anyone. So running, jumping, playing and sliding worked that big ole pile right out of his pull up onto his shirt...and his shorts...and then the slide. Before the worker had come out I had done some arm machines and back machines which I was fine at... but then he took me to the mats and started his ass whooping on me... I planked for 30 seconds... then had to plank with one arm extended...then the other arm...then one leg then the other leg... Then he made me extend right arm left leg...and so on. Followed by pelvic arches and leg extensions. The worker came out right when we were starting lunges and squats. You don't even want to know how freaking relieved I was to get out of there... There are not words. I was red faced and sweating. My legs were jello... I was close to tears. I was so ashamed that the little bit of workout we had done had wiped me out. They gym was crowded. I had expected it to be empty. I am super self conscious... and the moves I was doing I knew what I looked like. I had been on the treadmill a hundred times and watched others perform those moves.. Everyone watches you when you work out with a trainer... its like a spectator sport. The trainer made a deal with me... To make up for the time I lost I have to go back in today...and work out for an hour and a half... I know its crazy. I know I am going to regret it. I also know if I stop now if I don't keep going I will quit and give up again. I will gain back even more weight. I am not going to lie I am so sore. My core is killing me. I can feel it with every move I make. I am terrified of what I will feel like in the coming days after this session. I am even more terrified of what I will fill like during this session. I don't know if I will make it. I don't know if I can do this. All I can do is try. So if there is anyone out there reading this today from 1 pm to 2:30pm...some prayers and positive thoughts sent my way would be so appreciated. Weigh in tomorrow. I have a feeling I gained. Because I was so off track...and even trying to get back in the swing of the gym this week my eating isn't on point like it should be...baby steps. I will get there. I hope I get there. I need to get there. I have to get there. I want to get there. More than anything right now I want to get there.

1st time back at the gym

I went to the gym today. I decided that I would work out and make it hurt physically till my heart didn't hurt quite so bad.  I didn't eat before I went.. major mistake. Coupled with the fact that it has been honestly maybe a year since I have had a real workout. To get me back into the swing of things I have booked a session with a trainer tomorrow. I asked for the meanest one they have... because I love a workout that leaves me feeling like jello and out of breath. I cant just sit here in limbo. I cant just sit here not trying to accomplish my goals. I cried today... I cried alot...after I came home from the gym. I have to go though. I have to start I have to make myself live. I will fake it till I make it. Today I did a little elliptical about 3/4 of a mile big accomplishment because I hate the elliptical.. I much prefer the treadmill... and I did about 40 squats on the squat machine 2 reps of 20 on 100lbs resistance... then I hit a shoulder machine. At that point my sugar bottomed out. I did a set of 20 reps on it but I cant remember the weight.. So not much. I did however feel the burn...I broke a sweat because I kept going from one thing to another to keep my heart rate up. Speaking of heart rate... I am really thinking of getting a monitor because I would like to know how I am doing...have like a real record of it. I am going to make an effort to move the rest of the day. I am going to make an effort to track what I eat. I will be weighing in Saturday. I fully expect a gain from the previous weigh in. I am back...maybe not 100% but I will get there...

awake

Today I feel like I am awake. I feel like I am alive. I have got up and done laundry... I can't say the hole in my chest is closed... Its there gaping open... I can't say that it won't start bleeding again. I can say that for the first time I feel human... I feel awake, alive, and  thankful. I am going to get groceries today... I am going to look at flowers in the garden section.. and I plan on buying a few to plant in my bare flower bed. I plan on making some grilled chicken tacos. I may even put makeup on before I go... I am not completely fake anymore... I am by no means over it... over the loss of him... but today I smiled when I thought of him... instead of busting into tears... I love you Papaw. I miss you so much. Thank you for the sunshine in my heart today I know it was you.

The world lost the greatest cowboy that every walked the earth. But now I have the best angel with me everyday.